Remedy for loneliness
by Fujiwara Kumiko
Summary: [Oneshot] [HakkaixKanan] No other being can cure him of the agony within him. Only she can soothe his pain, his loneliness.


**A/N: **I started this last month but I just finished it due to my lack of inspiration for the ending of this and my busy schedule. I also have to start on the stories, and I need to draft them. So this is my first oneshot but criticisms are welcome here. Hope you all like this.

_Feedbacks and critiques will be loved._

**Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. **

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**Remedy for Loneliness**

For so long, he felt so lonely. This feeling has been bottled up inside of him ever for as long as he could remember. No one, nobody was able to soothe him, to wash away this horrible feeling. It was a silent torture, except there were no chains, whips, daggers, knifes, nothing! No weapon being lashed onto him, scarring his flesh, not physically.

Emotionally, it was painful, so painful that any other human being could have broken down from the pain. An invisible hand tightly holding their hearts, squeezing it, increasing the agony, causing them to want to cry out, the tears to flow freely down their faces. Except, he didn't and didn't dare to as he had sworn to himself that he would deal with it alone and wait for the one who would cure him of this terrible illness.

To forget about it, he buried himself in the world of books and knowledge, keeping his mind occupied as to forget about the pain. Most of the time he was successful in sealing it away, but there were occasions when it would be too unbearable that his eyes wouldn't focus on what was written in the books.

Why?

Why does he have to suffer like this?

Did he do something so terrible that made him deserve this punishment? If so, then what is that sin has he committed? His mind was in turmoil for he has no recollection of ever doing something dreadful. Once again has he been forced to find something to help him forget about this, even just for a while, he wanted to be in a peaceful state. It wasn't his fault that he was an orphan; it was the lack of the powerful emotion called love that caused him to develop such an attitude in his childhood.

That was when he came to the conclusion that he is yearning to be freed of this overwhelming feeling.

Except, how is he to find the key that will open the gate to his freedom?

Seconds, minutes, hours, day, months, years has passed. Slowly he began to accept the pains inflicted by loneliness. His body may not be scarred, but his soul and heart is full of them. So deep, it still throbs in pain, and he had convinced himself that they were never to be healed.

Unless, out there awaits the solution to make these inflictions go away.

Where was he to find it?

Sitting here, looking out the window, as he gazes at the small kids playing around. He was reminded of his childhood, when those kind nuns were looking after him. Now that he thinks about. Why did he isolate himself from the other children? Surely, he could have been cured by befriending them.

No…

It was because he knew that they weren't the ones destined to free him. They didn't have the key to the gates that he has been longing to pass. None of them would have been able to heal these wounds of his. Somehow, he knew that, but never had the chance to think it thoroughly.

His time had been spent in reading and studying, leading him to the path of teaching. He is a teacher now. Even though his students enjoy his lessons, his company and his time, it wasn't enough to overcome the growing emotion inside of him.

It refuses to disappear, lest the time comes.

Leaning on the window, he watches as the same children have fun together, playing outside, bathing in the sunshine and laugh together. Not knowing how it feels to be him right now. Their laughter, giggles, and even their gleeful shouting echoed in his mind. Many times have they invited to join them, and many times has he accepted.

Yet, it still wouldn't drive away the loneliness creeping into his soul, lurking in his heart.

As long as they were happy, that they didn't know the horrible phase he was going through, it was fine. He didn't want them to suffer like he is now, for they didn't deserve it. Such bright and happy children with a future ahead of them, that the thought of them going through this terrible feeling will surely sadden him greatly. He would blame himself if it was to happen.

Hunched over, he brought a hand to his forehead, a small and yet sad smile had formed on his lips as the pain started to stir in his heart again. His other arm resting his thigh, he continued to ponder on the familiar sensations taking over.

_Will I ever be broken free from this torture?_

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Miracles happen on rare occasions, and usually happen after one keeps his hopes high, believing that one will take place. Time was not of the essence as to most people it didn't matter when it will occur as long as it makes its appearance, bringing joy to their lives.

But he never expected for one to happen right before his eyes.

"_Gonou…" _

Her voice, whenever she says her name, it was music to his ears. Soothing his wretched soul, washing away the pain and gracing him with a wonderful feeling opposite of loneliness that he was actually convinced that this is the remedy he has been seeking for.

He doesn't remember exactly when she came into his life, but he didn't care as long as she was here right by his side, never wanting her to leave him alone.

When she took his hands into hers, caressing them, it startled him, but nonetheless welcomed this gesture of affection. He watched her as she tells him how she loves his hands, how gentle they were, how comforting and lovely his hands are. In her eyes, he was all that she could see, his hands only part of the man she longs to be with forever.

His face softened at her touch and words, then lovingly rubbed her cheeks with his thumb. The smile on her face warmed his heart and it eased his troubled soul. More than ever does he wish to be with her until the end of time, but is he allowed to do so?

Alas, another reason why fate has made them cross each other's paths was because they were connected by blood. She is his sister, his long lost sibling. Who had been separated from him at birth, raised somewhere else and was reunited with him.

Except, the way they live together, the love they have for each other, it was almost a sin itself.

But, it was her who has eliminated the pain that he had been carrying for so long. Even just her presence was enough to soothe him. Never in his life before had he experience being so lighthearted.

Only she can grant him this feeling of happiness.

Each day as he comes home from teaching the young ones, he would be greeted by her, standing in the doorway, holding out her hands to escort him, or maybe sitting at the table, staring out the window. When she is, he would drink in her lovely image. How the sunlight kissed her brown tresses, tied in a ponytail and rests on her shoulder, enhancing her wholesome image. Those emerald pools filled with joy, gazing at him, allowing himself to be lost in them.

Many people have flaws; even he has some as well. Including her, the woman who has changed his life, opened the gate for him and aids him as he walks down the path beyond it. Cooking was not her forte, unlike him who seems to excel in that area, and yet he cannot help but admire her determination on cooking something just for him.

Despite that fact, he always overlooked it, only concentrating on what was it about her that he loved, that made him cherish the moments of being with her and possibly love her…

Realization struck, on how he truly feels about her. Is it wrong to fall for the one who has saved you? As far as he knows, it wasn't uncommon for someone to. But the fact that they were related to each other, made it much more difficult.

_This is how I truly feel…_ Hakkai thought, abruptly bringing a hand to his mouth. Kanan was in the other room, preparing some tea for them, but he stole a quick glance at the kitchen where he could hear the soft sounds of one moving about in the kitchen. She was still preoccupied and so he resumed to pondering on this realization of his.

Yet, he cannot imagine living without her.

Her being pulled out of his life will only have him be engulfed by the darkness which she had pulled him out from before. The agony that comes forth just from merely thinking about it, almost as unbearable as the pain that she had long sealed away, and he will only rest if she was there.

Taboo, they had committed it but ignored it, the reality, the consequences that have yet to occur because they only had eyes for each other, wound up in the quality time they share together. Each moment with her was eternal bliss, something that he insists is nothing compared to one's life in heaven because she is truly one of a kind, very like him and that is because they were not only bonded to each other by commitment, but by blood.

This is their taboo and again, they take no notice.

"Gonou…"

There she goes again, sweetly calling out his name, making him focus only on her. His eyes immediately transfixed themselves on her face, a smile gracing his lips at the sight of her carrying the tray with two cups of tea. Silently, he prayed that none of his inner turmoil was etched on his face, no hints of it as she set down the two cups on the table and take her seat across him, smiling sweetly at him as she waited for him to take a sip.

"Kanan…" he breathed, and picked up his tea, accepting the warmth of the hot drink. Hakkai paused for a moment then sipped the tea. Somehow, he also finds whatever she makes quite scrumptious. Tea may be simple to make, but it took her a lot of love to make it for him. After drinking, he lowered the glass, briefly closing his eyes and said, "It's delicious."

She let out a sigh of relieved, a hand lightly touching her chest, shoulders relaxing and said softly, "I'm glad because this time I used another brand."

"Really? It doesn't matter to me what the brand is but the person who makes the tea for me."

Like always, she was flattered and started to enumerate to him on what she had done the other day while he was at class. All the while, he listened attentively to him, suppressing the haunting thoughts that lurked at the back of his mind, focusing mainly on the woman before him.

"Gonou? You won't leave me right?"

Those words snapped him out of his daze; it seems that he had lost his focus for a moment there but quickly recovered his composure and smiled sincerely at her. It took him precious seconds to come up with the perfect answer, but it was already on the tip of his tongue.

"Of course I won't." he replied and took her hands into his. Gently rubbing her knuckles with is thumbs he stared into those green orbs that never failed to captivate him. Although, it did stir some perplexity in him at her for asking him such a question, but nonetheless told him how important he was to her. "Never, I will always protect you."

The sadness that had been staining her face was replaced by a more comforting expression and without a word; she took one of his hands and brought it to her face. She cradled his hand her own, both of them, a dreamy look in her eyes as she said, "You have beautiful hands."

Slowly, his heart was being engulfed in the warmth he was receiving from her, inadvertently inhaling them and gazed at her, lovingly caressing her cheek. The tea lay forgotten on the table, the two engrossed with each other and the truth sinking deeper and deeper.

"Shall we go to the market today?"

"Alright then."

With that, Kanan stood up and walked to their room so that she may get ready to do their grocery shopping.

_Reality may be harsh but I believe that only Kanan can heal this pain, _he thought, tearing his eyes away from the room she had just stepped into and began to stare at the world beyond the window. _Yes, only she can do it…_

His attention was adverted when she announced that she was ready and so he nodded to her, the genial smile on his lips. She stood there at the door, and she opened it for him, the sunlight poured inside, stopping just a few inches from his feet. He looked up; there she was, standing beneath the doorway, holding her hand out to him, the ever so caring Kanan patiently waiting for him.

As he started slowly towards he, bathing himself slowly in the glow of the sun as he got nearer and nearer to her. Hakkai reached out for her hand and yet again did he lose himself in the sea of the overwhelming emotions that only she is capable of conjuring, the ones that only they can share with each other.

She is the only remedy for his loneliness.


End file.
